The Psychology behind grief

I believe everyone here, no matter their age, has experienced some sort of grief or trauma, just like me. This morning I was still dreaming about my life of freedom and not having to do homework in the whole seven-week summer holiday. But a second later, here I am, back at school. You know how I felt: that significant contrast of coming back to my real life, the real world. I felt so depressed that the summer had just slipped away.

That is just one of the smallest sorrows that someone can experience, and yet it was very real. After I met my friends, however, these feelings were deleted—gone, vanished—in just a few minutes. Yet some grief, some sadness, may take years or more to disappear.

Grief is an extreme emotional pain due to loss. It is often caused by the death of someone we love, and it can lead to depression and illness. I know that what I experienced on the first morning of school was not as painful as other types of grief, but it was still deep distress.

Grief, loss and pain have been a universal human experience and  a constant companion to our humanity since our earliest times. It is unavoidable if we are also to experience love and joy. However, there are ways of lessening its impact. We as humans usually cannot control what happens. But sometimes, it is simply too much to expect us to cope with. The human mind and body can’t take that amount of pain. If we allowed grief to swallow us up ,we would be trapped in a nightmare inner world, finding it hard to look optimistically. Before this happens, we need to reset.

I believe that whatever loss you’ve suffered, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Memory, happiness, your old house, my summer dreams… all of these can betaken away and grief left in their place. But the death of a loved one - bereavement - is often the type of most intense grief. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. 

I can only imagine how hard it is, being shocked and refusing to accept that they have gone. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If  someone you love has died, for example, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone. Feeling emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. These are all desperately difficult emotions. But trust me, it’s normal, as humans everyone experiences similar feelings. But how does the idea of Resetting help you step out of grief and to heal and regrow the sense of self that you have lost.

There are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. 

Control Alt Delete can really help the progress of the stages so you can reach the healthy point of acceptance.

Step 1: you have to acknowledge what you can control. We often feel powerless in the chaos of grief.  You can try to find a tiny lifeboat of control in a vast ocean of pain. It’s impossible to control or change the loss, the past, or the overwhelming emotions. But you can control some easy actions, like breathing or sleeping. Try doing what is within your ability. Do what is achievable. Do what brings you back to yourself, like just a simple chat with a friend would make you feel better.

Step 2: Look for the ALTERNATIVE Perspective. Trauma often locks us into one painful perspective: the perspective of loss. All you need to do is try to find an alternative view: for instance, instead of feeling mad or powerless, try to take gratitude for what was, for the person you loved. So, instead of only focusing on the empty space or things that are gone, try to remember the laughter that filled it. Shift your view from what was taken, to what was given. This doesn't replace the loss but it honours the love that caused it.

Queen Elizabeth II once said to the people of New York after the terrorist attacks of 9/11  - ‘grief is the price we pay for love’. 

3rd and the last step: we need to try to Delete.

Cut out the negative reactions to your loss. Your guilt, your anger, your frustration, your self-hate. These will not bring your loved one back. But they will prevent you from honouring them in the life that you still have to lead.

And so we can see that grief is part of life and this is as it should be because without grief there would be no love. However we do not have to drown in it. We can still swim to the surface and breathe again.