In the first of a series of diary entries, imagined by Shay Sengupta, we get a glimpse of the inner workings of Trump’s mind.
Recently I’ve been doing some thinking. I do a lot of thinking, the best thinking, the best thinking in the whole world. The things I’ve been thinking about are my legacy. What are people going to think of me when I die? So I’ve made an enormously long list of great things I’ve done, which somebody will conveniently find, and surely publish, after I’m gone.
I have, on many occasions, referred to myself as the world’s biggest philanthropist. And here is a list of charitable things I have done so far:
So don’t believe Time Magazine when they say I’m the least charitable billionaire in history...it’s all fake news.
Now lookee here, diary. Sometimes I believe in climate change, sometimes I don’t. However, I totally believe in increasing the number of green open spaces on the planet...and that’s why I’m building as many great golf courses on any piece of land I can lay my hands on!
I also have some brilliant thoughts on making the world’s resources last longer through some very mild population control. And these thoughts, like most of the other thoughts in my head, are very well thought out and articulate...but I’m not exactly allowed to say them because apparently all our nuclear plans are classified.
I’m certain that most Americans with an ounce of common sense have heard of my fabulous, all-American, trailblazing Trump University. Certainly there were some issues with it - like the teeny-tiny problem of not giving out diplomas, or not grading students, or not having teaching licenses, or not exactly being a university in the first place, but surely the millions of dollars we got from scamming all the students taught them some valuable life lessons!
You’ve surely heard that one of my main plans to reduce poverty is… you guessed it… printing more money. Here’s how one of my first ever conversations with the finance head honcho went (his name was Pew or Mew or something like that, but really, who can be bothered to remember?)
Me: How about we print more money?
Finance guy: No.
Anyhow, I do have a brilliant back-up plan for reducing the gap between the rich and the poor: let’s raise taxes, that way everybody’s poor! (Side note: this Pew-Mew guy handed in his resignation the very next day.) The new finance dude looks at me as if I’m crazy!
‘We can’t raise taxes, Mr Trump.’ he said snottily. ‘We have to create jobs.’
No problem, no problem at all. Surely you’ve heard of my brilliant, original, genius idea to build a wall? Imagine the jobs that will create! Even better: it’s at zero cost to our country, since Mexico’s paying for it all. Now that’s called improving the economy.