the day that siri died
Beep! Beep! No, don’t wake me now... beep! Beep! No... Beep! Beep! Ugh! I sat bolt upright, reaching my numb hand to silence my new automated alarm clock. It analysed my sleep patterns to determine the best time to wake me up. Looking around, I called out lazily:
“Hey Siri, would ya turn on the lights and turn off the air-con?”
“Sure thing, Samuel! Samuel’s bathroom and Samuel’s bedroom lights have been turned on and Samuel’s room air-con has been turned off,” replied a monotonous robotic voice with an Irish accent. Gotta love Siri! I groggily clambered out of bed and walked to the recently lit bathroom. Once I had done my business and the auto toilet had too, I got up and went to brush my teeth. As I picked up my electric toothbrush, another voice said, “Samuel, today you must brush for 2 minutes and 34 seconds. Make sure to brush your second molars especially well, analysis shows that area is the least brushed.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled unintelligibly.
2 minutes and 34 seconds later, when my teeth were spotless and my second molars hygienic, I leisurely ambled out of my room and onto the multi-floor, which was made up of thousands of small balls that each had a flat side and normally appeared as patterned wood. But, each rolled under my feet when they detected weight, transporting me to my stark-white kitchen.
“Hey Siri!” I called rather vehemently, “pour me some coffee! And turn on the air-con!”
“Done, Samuel,” came the voice of my Irish assistant as I heard the low hum of the coffee machine begin and the distinct beep of the air conditioning turning on.
“Hey Siri, turn on the oven with the jacket potato I prepared last night!” I called yet another command.
“Of course,” replied Siri. What a wonderful world! I love tech!
Splash! I turned around to see my coffee spilling over the edge of the cup. “HEY SIRI!” I bellowed, panicked. “Turn off the coffee machine!” No reply. “HEY SIRI!” I shrieked. Still nothing. Speedily and clumsily, I hurried over to the coffee machine and searched frantically for the plug. Why did these things have to be built-in! Finally, I was able to pull the machine out of its place in the kitchen shelving unit and unplug it. Phew! I turned to go fetch a towel and slipped, falling onto my knees. “Shoot,” I cursed, “oh, how I need Siri!” I scrambled to my feet and rushed to get a towel to clean the mess. After I cleaned up the fallen coffee and put the towel in the laundry room, I went to make my own coffee, manually.
No Siri today.
After some failed attempts, I managed to make my coffee and began to really wake up. I wandered to my living room to get my iPad Pro 10th generation. I picked up the magical slab of glass, which scanned my face and fingers, and went straight into the news app to see what was new. “TECH STAR, SIRI, KILLED IN CATASTROPHIC CRASH”, read the top headline, with the time stamp indicating 3 minutes ago.
“Oh no...” I said aloud, “this can’t be happening!” I put down my iPad and called, “Hey Siri!” Again, nothing. “HEY SIRI!” I howled at the top of my lungs. Still nothing. I sat down and again picked up the iPad. “Apple to disable all Siri-controlled services until issue is resolved.” I read as the warm lights flickered on and off, eventually dying out. “What the...” I muttered, confused. Suddenly, I became aware of the sirens ringing in the distance. I walked over to my window and looked down.
The chaos down below was inconceivable. Cars piled up at intersections, accumulating by the second, pedestrians running blindly through the streets, not knowing where to go, police patrolling the area, holding large groups of enraged youths back. So this is what Siri did for us. I turned around, having had enough of the painful sight below, and went back into the kitchen. I caught a whiff of a strange smell, almost like... smoke. I charged towards the kitchen only to see my delicious tuna jacket potato burning. “Oh my gosh!” I cried out, struggling to put coherent thoughts together. My potato was burning. What do I do! I had never been in a fire before... yes! There was that old fire extinguisher that had come with the apartment! I had thought I would never need it, but I’m glad I never threw it away. Opening the power cupboard, I reached for the bright red fire extinguisher. I had never used one of these before! After glancing at the instructions written onto the fire extinguisher, I began to hysterically spray the frothing white foam at the flaming potato. After half a minute of me madly spraying the potato, the fire calmed down and eventually went out. I let out a vast breath that I didn’t even realise I was holding, and sat down on the floor. I lethargically dropped the fire extinguisher and thought. I was thinking:
“Bye-bye Mr Siri guy,
Burnt my potato and spilt my coffee ‘cause Siri was gone,
Good old Alexa will never be as fine,
Thinking I will never forget the day you died,
I will never forget the day you died.”
So, I looked around in that room so stark,
And then just sat there in the dark;
The day that Siri died.
“Hey Siri, would ya turn on the lights and turn off the air-con?”
“Sure thing, Samuel! Samuel’s bathroom and Samuel’s bedroom lights have been turned on and Samuel’s room air-con has been turned off,” replied a monotonous robotic voice with an Irish accent. Gotta love Siri! I groggily clambered out of bed and walked to the recently lit bathroom. Once I had done my business and the auto toilet had too, I got up and went to brush my teeth. As I picked up my electric toothbrush, another voice said, “Samuel, today you must brush for 2 minutes and 34 seconds. Make sure to brush your second molars especially well, analysis shows that area is the least brushed.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled unintelligibly.
2 minutes and 34 seconds later, when my teeth were spotless and my second molars hygienic, I leisurely ambled out of my room and onto the multi-floor, which was made up of thousands of small balls that each had a flat side and normally appeared as patterned wood. But, each rolled under my feet when they detected weight, transporting me to my stark-white kitchen.
“Hey Siri!” I called rather vehemently, “pour me some coffee! And turn on the air-con!”
“Done, Samuel,” came the voice of my Irish assistant as I heard the low hum of the coffee machine begin and the distinct beep of the air conditioning turning on.
“Hey Siri, turn on the oven with the jacket potato I prepared last night!” I called yet another command.
“Of course,” replied Siri. What a wonderful world! I love tech!
Splash! I turned around to see my coffee spilling over the edge of the cup. “HEY SIRI!” I bellowed, panicked. “Turn off the coffee machine!” No reply. “HEY SIRI!” I shrieked. Still nothing. Speedily and clumsily, I hurried over to the coffee machine and searched frantically for the plug. Why did these things have to be built-in! Finally, I was able to pull the machine out of its place in the kitchen shelving unit and unplug it. Phew! I turned to go fetch a towel and slipped, falling onto my knees. “Shoot,” I cursed, “oh, how I need Siri!” I scrambled to my feet and rushed to get a towel to clean the mess. After I cleaned up the fallen coffee and put the towel in the laundry room, I went to make my own coffee, manually.
No Siri today.
After some failed attempts, I managed to make my coffee and began to really wake up. I wandered to my living room to get my iPad Pro 10th generation. I picked up the magical slab of glass, which scanned my face and fingers, and went straight into the news app to see what was new. “TECH STAR, SIRI, KILLED IN CATASTROPHIC CRASH”, read the top headline, with the time stamp indicating 3 minutes ago.
“Oh no...” I said aloud, “this can’t be happening!” I put down my iPad and called, “Hey Siri!” Again, nothing. “HEY SIRI!” I howled at the top of my lungs. Still nothing. I sat down and again picked up the iPad. “Apple to disable all Siri-controlled services until issue is resolved.” I read as the warm lights flickered on and off, eventually dying out. “What the...” I muttered, confused. Suddenly, I became aware of the sirens ringing in the distance. I walked over to my window and looked down.
The chaos down below was inconceivable. Cars piled up at intersections, accumulating by the second, pedestrians running blindly through the streets, not knowing where to go, police patrolling the area, holding large groups of enraged youths back. So this is what Siri did for us. I turned around, having had enough of the painful sight below, and went back into the kitchen. I caught a whiff of a strange smell, almost like... smoke. I charged towards the kitchen only to see my delicious tuna jacket potato burning. “Oh my gosh!” I cried out, struggling to put coherent thoughts together. My potato was burning. What do I do! I had never been in a fire before... yes! There was that old fire extinguisher that had come with the apartment! I had thought I would never need it, but I’m glad I never threw it away. Opening the power cupboard, I reached for the bright red fire extinguisher. I had never used one of these before! After glancing at the instructions written onto the fire extinguisher, I began to hysterically spray the frothing white foam at the flaming potato. After half a minute of me madly spraying the potato, the fire calmed down and eventually went out. I let out a vast breath that I didn’t even realise I was holding, and sat down on the floor. I lethargically dropped the fire extinguisher and thought. I was thinking:
“Bye-bye Mr Siri guy,
Burnt my potato and spilt my coffee ‘cause Siri was gone,
Good old Alexa will never be as fine,
Thinking I will never forget the day you died,
I will never forget the day you died.”
So, I looked around in that room so stark,
And then just sat there in the dark;
The day that Siri died.